Monday, December 5, 2011

'You are now, dead for me!'


I was insensitive and rude, most times, would say things and would not apologise, thinking, time would take care of it.. but time wasn't my bestest friends.. and I got the greatest lesson of my life in 2008. I left for London UK on the 18 Oct 2008. Papa, amma, and other family members came to see me off at the Mumbai airport. I had fought with Papa, because he kept on pestering me, saying that I should keep my passport safely. I was irriatated, and was really very tensed about travelling all alone, internationally. I bade a tearful good bye to all, including dad, but till the end didnot agree about the passport stuff. and flew off to UK.

That was the last I saw my dad, and even though I loved him the most and he knew this, I cannot forget that I fought with him that last time I saw him.. I got no time to apologise..I got no second chance, I never knew, I just never knew..

Now, after every fight, I try my best to clear it out the day itself. I always fear, what if this was the last time I interacted with that person, what if this was the last time I spoke to that person.. what if I would never get a second chance..!

Someone recently said 'You are now dead for me'
This has actually triggered me to write this post, and bring out such painful memories, which have been buried deep down in my heart, mind, my soul...

Death is uncertain, and we are always at its peril...God sends us on earth to live this beautiful life, and we disgust him by fighting on petty things and doing everything to make it the most horrible thing to do and say and live.. What if god told us, that today is your last day in your life? We would regret on all lost time, cry in self pity for the so very little time that we have now, then gear up to be positive and blah and do all those things, that we always want to do, call our loved ones, apologise.. sort everything, do things till time permits, and then leave the world..isnt?

But sadly, god doesnot give us a notification on our calanders about this day.. and even more sadly, though we all know this evil truth, we dont do what we love, and we dont show our loved ones, how much we love. We leave for an other day, we trust our time, and our loved ones time a little too much!!!

'You are now dead for me'! I wish to ask that person, do you really know what is to feel when someone dies? Just saying it, but knowing that the person is still alive, and actually feeling it when the person dies are two oppsoties of a pole! The words that this person has said, is unaccountable to the trauma and the atmosphere of the house where a person is no more. It takes tremendous courage to live again in the house, whose each corner, each wall, has a happy memory, which is no more happy but painful..Painful becuase those memories are only to be remebered..To open the cupboard to find the clothes, shoes, ties which cannot be worn again.. to find the brush and the shaving kit, and the hair on the razor which leaves you in a trance for a minute everyday, before you gather yourself and start brushing again. To sit at the dining table, and close your eyes, just to imagine the times before. To sleep, and then try to remember how that voice sounded, knowing always that you would never hear it again.. To celebrate each happy occassion, festival with a ache in the heart, imagining how things would have been be a year back.. To stop your hands from shivering when you go through the photo album!!!!! Painful, heart wrenching, dreadful..best kept in the heart and not on paper right??

But I cannot stop myself, and it is here on paper, and I write it, when people say such words, which can never never again be taken back, for a figth so petty!!!! This, This is what it means, when someone is dead. This is how much of a pain, you should undergo, if you want to say such things!!Words said, with hatred and venegance, words said to hurt beyond recognistion. Words, which Now make you feel good about yourself, since you know the damage it has inflicted upon is the highest. But words which are actually hollow, empty, worthless, and show how shallow your heart is, and how worthless you consider the life is which we have been given to LIVE!

Petty issues, are not worthwhile enough for me to die for. and even though you say it, I would still choose to ignore it and Live my life as I have always wished to. You say, I am dead for you, But I am alive for everyone else. I dont wish for you to be dead anytime, but I wish to hate you. You come to me for apologies in this life, I will forgive you. Till then, I am fine to be dead for you!

12 comments:

  1. i always believe we should watch our words and even in the greatest of anger, never blurt anything that we may regret ever...or it hurts someone irredeemably-the guy who said this is rash!

    and you put it so rightly that we should never let grudges persist...i may not care about a hundred people who love me-i am always pricked about the one who harbours hate-i need to placate it before i can do anything else with my life...

    a thought provoking post!:-)

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  2. So True Suruchi!! We should always be looking for the ones who love us, but we only see the ones we hate!!

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  3. i dont know what to say. :(

    something similar had happened between my mother & me. the fight & the last bye & the last time we saw each other everything as you wrote here. this was in 2003. i had fought with her for something & that night when i boarded the bus to Blore, i bid her a courtesy goodbye & a few months later she was no more. spoke to her couple of times over the phone in between but that's it. never saw her again. she breathed her last in Lucknow & by the time i came to know about it, everything was done - the last rites & everything.

    i couldn't forgive myself. i used to cry just sitting in a place. bus/house/road/office/theater/shop.....the tears would roll & every time i pray i find myself saying "sorry amma" & wish she hears me

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  4. Sujatha, have goosebumps all over me.. and i now feel bad that i wrote this and bought back similar memories for you and for some of my friends...........I am sorry

    Deep down..I know she has heard you, they always do, that's what my nana told me....

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  5. About words, sometimes words are worse than death. The just humiliate and kill the other person, if not literally. I do sometimes use harsh words in a fit of anger and then later realize I should not have said so. As Suruchi has commented above, a truely thought provoking one.

    About Death, do check out my blog on death http://www.pkperception.blogspot.com/2011/11/death-great-leveller.html

    I just loved this line "You say, I am dead for you, But I am alive for everyone else.." So so true....:) Great Blog, a worthy read.

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    1. Thanks for the comment Prashant.. I did check out the blog, and I loved it..Death seems to excite everybody else a lot more than life! Yes harsh words, easier said than done, but I wish we could think before spoke!

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  6. All those things u told that you notice about your father is really touching. My heart went out to you. I dunno whether it is fortunate or unfortunate but i usually form images in my head and dramatize them when i read. And your description was vivid enough for me to do that.
    I cannot say that i felt the pain that you have but I could feel a bit of it.
    God I'm really gonna hug my dear ones when I go home today.

    About the latter part when you have told abt the person who told the dreadful words. Probably the person doesn't realise the intensity and seriousness of what he said or has never gone through the pain and so only he told. God forbid but I would never even say these words even to my enemy.

    A truly touching post Jenny

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  7. Thanks again Jasper for going through the old posts!!
    Please do hug your dear ones. Live life as it is today..We keep worrying about tomorrow and today is what happens to us..
    Yes people say things in a fit of anger and its done for them, but the damage and hurt is what the other person has to bear..!

    PS: If you form images and dramatize, it shows you are very imaginative and creative, that's lovely.

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  8. I was looking for that poem which u wrote for your Best frnd and got to read this one... was really a heart touching one...I have this habit of fighting with my dear ones for all petty things and not talking for days together... a lesson learnt as a take away from your post:)

    Still looking for that poem....

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    1. The poem is on this link:
      http://jennyshetty.blogspot.com/2011/11/first-near-now-miles-apart-but-always.html

      I am glad, this post helped you in some way. and thanks for reading my older posts, very sweet of you.

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  9. I am so sorry abt that..I didn't know abt ur dad. On shud watch what the speak coz words once spoken cannot be taken back.

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    1. Thank you Ria for visiting my older posts. Words once spoken cannot be taken back ever, true, and they hurt , hurt lie hell.

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