I was insensitive and rude, most times, would say things and would not apologise, thinking, time would take care of it.. but time wasn't my bestest friends.. and I got the greatest lesson of my life in 2008. I left for London UK on the 18 Oct 2008. Papa, amma, and other family members came to see me off at the Mumbai airport. I had fought with Papa, because he kept on pestering me, saying that I should keep my passport safely. I was irriatated, and was really very tensed about travelling all alone, internationally. I bade a tearful good bye to all, including dad, but till the end didnot agree about the passport stuff. and flew off to UK.
That was the last I saw my dad, and even though I loved him the most and he knew this, I cannot forget that I fought with him that last time I saw him.. I got no time to apologise..I got no second chance, I never knew, I just never knew..
Now, after every fight, I try my best to clear it out the day itself. I always fear, what if this was the last time I interacted with that person, what if this was the last time I spoke to that person.. what if I would never get a second chance..!
Someone recently said 'You are now dead for me'
This has actually triggered me to write this post, and bring out such painful memories, which have been buried deep down in my heart, mind, my soul...
Death is uncertain, and we are always at its peril...God sends us on earth to live this beautiful life, and we disgust him by fighting on petty things and doing everything to make it the most horrible thing to do and say and live.. What if god told us, that today is your last day in your life? We would regret on all lost time, cry in self pity for the so very little time that we have now, then gear up to be positive and blah and do all those things, that we always want to do, call our loved ones, apologise.. sort everything, do things till time permits, and then leave the world..isnt?
But sadly, god doesnot give us a notification on our calanders about this day.. and even more sadly, though we all know this evil truth, we dont do what we love, and we dont show our loved ones, how much we love. We leave for an other day, we trust our time, and our loved ones time a little too much!!!
'You are now dead for me'! I wish to ask that person, do you really know what is to feel when someone dies? Just saying it, but knowing that the person is still alive, and actually feeling it when the person dies are two oppsoties of a pole! The words that this person has said, is unaccountable to the trauma and the atmosphere of the house where a person is no more. It takes tremendous courage to live again in the house, whose each corner, each wall, has a happy memory, which is no more happy but painful..Painful becuase those memories are only to be remebered..To open the cupboard to find the clothes, shoes, ties which cannot be worn again.. to find the brush and the shaving kit, and the hair on the razor which leaves you in a trance for a minute everyday, before you gather yourself and start brushing again. To sit at the dining table, and close your eyes, just to imagine the times before. To sleep, and then try to remember how that voice sounded, knowing always that you would never hear it again.. To celebrate each happy occassion, festival with a ache in the heart, imagining how things would have been be a year back.. To stop your hands from shivering when you go through the photo album!!!!! Painful, heart wrenching, dreadful..best kept in the heart and not on paper right??
But I cannot stop myself, and it is here on paper, and I write it, when people say such words, which can never never again be taken back, for a figth so petty!!!! This, This is what it means, when someone is dead. This is how much of a pain, you should undergo, if you want to say such things!!Words said, with hatred and venegance, words said to hurt beyond recognistion. Words, which Now make you feel good about yourself, since you know the damage it has inflicted upon is the highest. But words which are actually hollow, empty, worthless, and show how shallow your heart is, and how worthless you consider the life is which we have been given to LIVE!
Petty issues, are not worthwhile enough for me to die for. and even though you say it, I would still choose to ignore it and Live my life as I have always wished to. You say, I am dead for you, But I am alive for everyone else. I dont wish for you to be dead anytime, but I wish to hate you. You come to me for apologies in this life, I will forgive you. Till then, I am fine to be dead for you!