Tuesday, April 10, 2012

How to make a Bollywood Block Buster





A newbie director (NWB) met up with a (HPD) high profile director (who was initially assisting one of the Chopras), to get invaluable guidance on how to churn out a block buster.

HPD, his preachy self, came back with these exclusive rare principles.

Week 1: Adoption

HPD: Disown your parents, and get adopted by the Chopras. You see, with Adi buzy with the (Old-hat) Queen Bee Mukerji and Uday buzy NOT doing movies (Silently offers a prayer to the Almighty for that), the Chopra clan is in dire need of a progeny.

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Week 2: Become Liberal

NWB:(smiling) Oh good, I am already that!

HPD: Err not in your thoughts and attitude champ, but with your purse strings. Liberally thrash the cash stashed in Papa Chopra's Account. Beware: Any budget which is less than 50 crores is a kalank on your newly acquired surname.
Next, announce you are making a new movie and you have a vision. Keep saying you are progressive and young. Emphasize on young.

NWB: Umm, I am actually almost 40.

HPD: Get your facts clear. This is India. 40 is young.

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Week 3: SRK and Dhoom

NWB: Dhoom again? But I was..uhhm progressive, and err my uhmm vision???

HPD: Shut up! Dhoom: yeah right, a third sequel is your vision. A third one, so progressive. Maths buddy! So you are good right. Get SRK on board ASAP. If I were you, I would plant kisses on him to capitalize (yes totally buziness minded moi) on the opportunity. (Blushes)

NWB: (Drags chair behind)

HPD: Ensure you have more media contacts than bollywood contacts.(laughs loudly)

NWB: ???????

HPD: Oh who am I kidding. Media IS bollywood. Get all newspapers to put this stuff onto the faces of the masses in the morning. Oops Sorry (smirks). EVERY MORNING!
Ensure, DHOOM and SRK are present in the headline. Wait a minute (thinks aloud) headlines are the things of the past. Chuck it, just Publish Dhoom and SRK. This is hardcore and reality journalism. Straight to the point with zero content. Gotcha?

NWB: (Just nods dejectedly)

HPD: Important. Special attention (and money) should be paid to the media persons.

NWB: Any advantages?

HPD: Crazy or what? Its a Long term investment. Awards hehaaaaaahaaaaaheehaaa.

NWB: ?????????

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Week 4: Location

HPD: Keep giving bytes on TV with location details. Any mention Indian locations, even if you plan to do 75 percent of the movie here itself, are strict NO-NO. Go for exotica and plain exotica.

NWB: (A Look of erotica plastered on the face)

HPD: It eXotica! (and then gently) You remind me of myself 5 years back.(lost in thoughts)

NWB: (Cough cough)

HPD: Oh umm OK. Shoot the action film in Rome and Greece and change the definition of these places. After all it is a matter of your vision. Papa would insist on Swiss, so put in a dream sequence in there. Don't argue.

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Week 5: Heroine

NWB: Oops, everything went to the papers, and we don't even have a leading lady!!??!

HPD: Tch Tch, not to worry darling. This is an apt time for a new controversy.
Stock news reads with Katrina and Deepika fights. Its fine, even if you have not discussed the movie with them. These fights are important to the movie, you and them as well in a way.

NWB: Uhmm, I like Kareena (blush blush)

HPD: Kareena?!!! Chuck her, she is too expensive. Daddy will not approve of the miscellaneous costs.
Put in words such as 'dates’, ‘rivalry' and yes of course 'bikini'(both lusting) and you are good.

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Week 6: The movie

HPD: Of course by now, you have to get Katrina signed on.
Start the movie.
Get Action directors from Hollywood for the action sequences.
Get Fitness experts for Kat's abs.
Get Fairness experts for SRK's glow.
Get Manish Malhotra to design Kat's gown, when she is atop a bike, or is jumping from the Chopper.
Get Farah Khan for the dream dance sequence and Shaimak for the item number.
Get AR Rehman for Music. Again, if costs are high, get Vishal Shekar. They do movies for every dick and harry in BOLLY. So what if the songs sound like previous dhoom movies.

NWB: How about Pritam?

HPD: Copy cat music director for a copy cat movie sequel Again? This is not 'your vision' is it?

NWB: (Nods obediently)

NWB: (Then thoughtfully) HPDji, What do I do then, since you see, I am the 'director'(proudly)?

HPD: (Aghast!) Who the hell do you think would give the media special tidbits and heat up the comfy chair in Papa's plush office in Andheri? 'Vision'!!! Bhulo mat! You aren’t paying attention man! (cross)

NWB: (Visibly ashamed) Sorry HPDji

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Week 35 : Publicity

HPD: Very important: Release SRK's movie promo on eid before Salman's movie get premiered. Create a controversy, and switch off your mobile.
Get SRK and Kat into every bloody TV serial, dance and singing shows. If Big boss is on, put them in that for a day. Gauri won't mind(smirks)
Get SRK to sell dolls, water bottles, tiffins boxes of dhoom. You see SRK's himself said: "Ra one ka sab kuch beeka, seeway tickets chod de".
So, get the money back ANYHOW. OK?

NWB (thinks): Why am I making this movie?

HPD: Release online games for dhoom, and force people to buy it. If required, sell it to your disowned parents too.
Feature SRK on Koffee with Karan with Kat once, then you once, and then him alone. Ensure, all episodes are released back to back. Don't talk about yourself at all.
Get SRK in a fight with Farah's hubby (whatever his name is)

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Week 38: Release the movie

HPD: Arrange a stylish premiere, with no common man invitees. After all you made the movie for Big B and family na. All pictures need to get into page 3. I mean common, do I still need to mention this now? (Thinks) kaha kaha se aa jate hain?

HPD: Release the movie in UK and US. Pounds ka rate acha chal raha hain ajj kal.

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Week 39: Movie review

HPD: Take Taran Adarsh and Rajeev Masand separately to an all day trip in Disney land. This is for unethical and top class rating for the sub standard Hollywood duplicate movie you just made.

NWB: (Has NOW forgotten all that he learnt at FTII)

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Week 58: Awards

HPD: Get SRK to pay 1/4 of the budget for his special Award shelf, especially for the chopra movies.

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Finally Week 60: A new Movie

HPD: Announce a new movie, this time with Aamir Khan!

NWB: That was great; really appreciate your time and inputs. But hey HPD, haven't we forgotten something important, something which is an integral part of a movie, and something which we should always be working on FIRST

HPD: What that's?

NWB: (Slowly) THE SCRIPT?

HPD: ?????!!!????? (Thinks: Kaha kaha se aa jate hain!!??)


Author of the post:  I still love SRK (blush blush)

24 comments:

  1. As much as I wud love to say that i loved the whole post but the last line was the best!! I love SRK too. :P

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    1. Oh wow, Finally I found someone who loves SRK!!!

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  2. ROFL...'Ask SRK to sell tiffin boxes for Dhoom' Awesome...our filmmakers have shown how much they love the actual script with some classics like Agent Vinod, Ra. One, Don 2 and many more..

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    1. True! Film today have everything but scripts!

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  3. HAHAHAHAHAH !! EPIC !!

    somebody's been studying their Bollywood :D

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    1. Ji special research kia gaya tha :-)

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  4. rofl ...
    so this is how they make action movies :P

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  5. That was a lot of star gyan in making a Bollywood flick! You sure have a good sense of humor taking jibes at all n sundry:)

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    1. Thank you Rahulji. Much appreciated :-)

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  6. ROFL ROFL superb (Thinks: Kaha kaha se aa jate hain!!??) awesome funny post :D you rock

    and plssssssssssss no SRK nooooooooooooo no no not after getting tortured to death by his Movie Ra.1 that to on flight ;) I feared emergency landing because of my health issues post watching this movie for just 0.5hr!!!!!!!!!

    Keep writing :)

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    1. Thanks so much Ramya. Your comments are full of warmth! oh god..I so agree, RA one was so ???????

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  7. ROFL, I am all set to knock the doors of YRF. What a hilarious account of movie making. I know for sure that they don't teach such a gyan in film schools. BTW, miscellaneous cost was too good a point.

    You also blush in the name of SRk...:)

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    1. Thanks so much Saru for the kind words :-) teehee, I hope someone would have noticed the miscellaneous one! Thanks.

      Oh so you too? God, now there is 3 of us, crazy about him blush blush

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    2. Oh no, I don't like SRK that much. Actually PC made a huge cry of blushing on SRK's mention. He has that magical effect on beautiful girls.

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    3. tehee, magical effect on beautiful girls .. Ahh I like that :-))

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  8. Wo! where the hell did you get your research material from... ???

    Gal! this is like awesome :)

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    1. Yash uncle ne bataye points are teehee. Thanks so much yaar Aditi :-))

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  9. Omg. You had me laughing so hard while reading this. Man, I thoroughly enjoyed this post. The dark side of Bollywood and, and, and, SRK <3 :-) ;-) :-)

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    1. Thanks so much yaar Ashwini:-))) Your comments are so motivating :-)

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  10. hahaha! I loved the post <3 I am so sick of these sequels

    love
    http://www.meghasarin.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
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    1. :-))) Thank you Megha, for visiting and commenting. Glad you liked it!

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  11. Awesome! You have really analyzed the industry a lot Jenny.

    PS: Wonder your bosses will change your vertical to Media and Entertainment (if its there in your company) as you can be a perfect Business Analyst :D

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  12. Hilarious!! I am laughing out in my office! Nice write!

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So what do you think?