Thursday, May 3, 2012

Why did we grow up?

I lost my nani last Sunday. She was suffering for quite sometime and we knew she wanted the end. She passed away in her sleep. It was a turbulent time for the family on Sunday and Monday, but in the end we were grateful that it didn't prolong for long and it was painless. I was in Pune when I heard the news. Although we all were somewhere prepared, the shock and the grief struck us hard when it happened for real. The family came together, mourned for her death, performed the last rites, prayed for her, and then tried to move along. The atmosphere at home was not mournful but was strangely peaceful. No one wanted to be grief stricken more. It sounds selfish, but believe me, each one of us tried to put happier thoughts to reduce the pain. We talked about how the lost members of the family were talking about us from the heaven above. Oddly that made us happy. The thought that we were still a family even when up above gave us some consolation.

But my thoughts did a double take when I came back to Pune from Mumbai Tuesday night. And that has troubled me a lot.
'Ajji' is gone, and with her, I have lost one more member of my family. Is my immediate family reducing? This thought scares me to no end. I know a new member has been added(my husband), and along with him, comes his own family. In future when I have a child, I will be adding more to the count. But what about my old ones? I have lost them forever. I know the times in future and the new members, would give me happiness and pleasure. They would give me a ray of hope to live and look forward to each day. But today, the only thing I want to do is swap my future life with my past. My past, which was secure and cocooned in my parent's house. A past which had everybody, who originally made up the definition of 'family' for me. I wish somehow time would have stopped then and we would all be transfered into a photo frame. We all of the same age, living the same life, and continuing forever like that. As much as monotonous it sounds to you, it sounds like heaven to me. I am there, happy and gay, holding onto everybody who is not here today with me.
I wish that would happen. I wish I would never grow old. I wish time had stood still then. Why, why did we grow old?

This is a hard retrospection of how death can change your thoughts. I feel one should just learn to live independently no matter what. I have made a mind set to achieve that.

28 comments:

  1. First, accept my condolences on your loss! Second, this is a real thought provoking post- you have written wonderfully bringing us into your thought processes- and making us think...really think!

    I'm much older than you- so I have lost quite a few older family members and friends- I don't think I'll ever get used to losing them. It is not that I'm in a mourning mood- but it is often hard to say 'good bye'- I miss them in my life and what they inspire when they are there. So this has made me treasure those who are alive right now and try to spend as much time with them as I can- and learn from them as much as I can!

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  2. I understand how depressing death can be...I have lost most of my grandparents and it feels strange coz when I was growing up I always thought they will all be there, even when I have kids! But now...it feels weird...I have lost one whole generation...I miss going to see them during school holidays as a kid...I dont want to write anything more...the past memories are flooding in my mind and I dont want to cry now.

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  3. u n i are witnessing exactly the same situation right now ,, my deepest condolence to you .. take care n stay strong ..

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  4. Hi Jenny, It is nice to meet you. I am visiting from Connie's site. First of all let me say how very sorry I am for your loss. You wish to step into a past photo and relive the moments is precious. I, like Connie, am old enough to have experienced the loss of several loved ones. My mom passed away four years ago and I still miss her everyday, but I cling to the hope that we will be reunited again when I join her in glory. Praying that your tender heart will be comforted.

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  5. Sorry to hear about your nani. my condolensces to you and family .

    Over the year I have gone through some of the incidents which have made me think what you think.. that my side of the family seems to be decreasing all the time ..

    Reading all this has brought some memories back..

    You take care of yourself and god bless..

    Bikram's

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  6. Hmmm...there is nothing that can be said that would make you think of the loss in less painful terms. In mourning your Ajji, I think you are also mourning your lost childhood, those people that made your growing up years special and made you the person you are. They are irreplaceable, but you know what, my mom and her sisters still talk about their parents and what they did in their lives to enrich their children's and their grandchildren's and so often, that I feel their presence more strongly. Even while we reconcile with the losses, its this sense of their being around that will help us move on. I just hope they are all together, gossiping and having a fun time wherever they are. That helps me reconcile with having to one day leave my loved ones too and go away :)

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  7. Ah Jenny!!! how true! Death is one thing which has no return, loved ones are just lost forever. Each one of us would have had the bitter taste of it. But only thing we can pray is a complete life without troubling any soul and a peaceful death without troubling the soul inside if we are lucky we get this! And those who have got it they are the blessed ones. So let your grandmom's Soul RIP

    And the last sentence yes very very true, nothing or no one we should be dependent on! yes even I will work towards it.

    Finally, world is your family dont ever feel that your family is reducing. many will come many you will meet and life goes on beautiful :)

    So respect the nature at work and move on...

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  8. Sorry about the news Jenny!

    I know you may not appreciate what I am going to write, and I totally understand that, but this is the way nature plays with us. And we'll have to accept it and slowly but surely move on with memories lasting forever.

    God bless your family.

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  9. Sorry To read about loosing a dear one Jenny! Life is a journey and we have people who make this enjoyable! Some stay longer with us whereas others bid good bye earlier than what we imagine! So is life...

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  10. I am so sorry for your loss. Whatever the age is - the passing of a loved one is always sad and difficult time. May she rest in peace and you and your family get the courage to cope with the tragedy.
    -Jyoti
    Style-Delights Blog

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  11. Thank you all for your heartfelt condolences.

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  12. Hi Jenny, I am very sorry to know about your loss. It must be very hard for you to accept she is no more.

    I am glad that you have made up your mind to live independently. I am sure you will succeed.

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  13. don't know what to say
    its always hard when someone we love esp someone who was so intricately connected with our childhood moves on

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  14. Thank You Sujatha and Kusum

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  15. I wonder the same.. why did we grow up! I don't really know when will I find any answer to it.

    Just came across your blog. :) Keep up the good work!

    And seems you're Marathi as well. :)

    Love.
    http:/inthepourinrain.blogspot.com

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  16. But Jenny nothing is permanent in life. We gain some, we lose some and are left with memories that we cherish for a lifetime.

    And may your Nani rest in peace.

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  17. I nominated you for an award! Do check!!! :)

    Er...I think you checked already!! :)

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  18. When you witness death of your close ones, it changes the way you think. I think we become more possessive and thoughtful of our relations. Sad to know about your naani...:(May she rest in peace. And, Jenny it is the circle of life, however harsh it may sound but we have to embrace it.

    www.sarusinghal.com

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  19. Condolences Dear !

    Same fate here... I lost my Dadi a month back. I dunno I never felt like writing about it. I was too numb.. and I am still reeling with the after effects. She was all fine one day and next day she was no more... Saw someone die for the first time.. although I lost my dadaji but that time I was just 5 yrs old...

    I cried a little... but then after that I ws only numb... Life ka funda hi badal gaya ho jaise. And infact... my life is going through a major change as of now... And I think it is because of this one incident.

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  20. I never wanna grow up, i wanna keep my innocence wid me forever, bcoz that is the most precious treasure i have,,,

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  21. True Jenny, however prepared we are and however old the loved one is, it is very difficult to accept that they are no more. Addition of new members does not make up for the ones we lose. I always wish that if we cannot go back and freeze the past, God should at least have allowed a yearly reunion! And to think, how eager we were to grow up when we were the age we want to go back to now!
    Take Care.

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  22. This is life! This is what makes us grow up and makes us strong!

    Let the pain come it will make you tough

    love
    http://www.meghasarin.blogspot.com

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  24. Sorry for your loose. Grandmothers are always so special....My Ajji...when she is gone, i love her more than ever and I always miss her.

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  25. Grandmothers always have a special place in the corner of our hearts. We might not express it to them, but we cannot deny it. With this busy lifestyle, we always find solace in our grandparents, regarding stories and old games and they are the ones who make a house feel like home. The loss of such a dear one could be shocking. We might know that they are nearing the end, but still when it really happens we are still caught unawares. But the thing is, After the initial days of mourning, We find their presence amidst us in the water that we drink and in the wind that blows through.
    Really Sorry about your Loss JennY1!

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  26. Thank you all for your heart felt comments.

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  27. Sorry to hear, Jenny... I lost my grandfather in March, he was very dear to us all... hang in there, and take care!

    A.

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  28. Thank you A for visiting and all your comments.

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