Monday, April 16, 2012

IF the world comes to an end in Dec 2012?



The rumor about the end of the world is travelling places at a fast pace after the recent earth quakes around the world. The frequency of those quakes are increasing at an alarming rate. And the heart goes out to those who are physically present in the calamity.

But even in the times of such distress, the mind does a topsy turvy, and fills itself with somewhat different thoughts.

Different?

Yeah! So we all know, the money which we have accumulated all along, is not coming up with us. Its ending right here with everything else. So really instead of all that money just burning away in a volcanic eruption or flowing away with the Tsunamis, shouldn't we be putting it to better use? Or best, shouldn't we be just spending like uh mm 'ALL OF IT'?
Wide eyed, dreamy like, it makes me think about all those things I want to do before it ends! Those things which I could only dream about; Those things which makes life so fairy tale like; And Those things which will clearly elaborate the phrase 'Living life the Kingsize'!!!

Here are the 10 random things, which I would do, if the world was to come to an end by Dec 2012.
10 super duper list, which I am sure, would be a part of every body's wish list :-)

I would love to

1. Spend some of my money on a world tour.


Greece, Italy, New York will be graced by my presence in the summers. Australia, South Africa, and India will have to wait till the end of the year :-) . If you want to hop along with me, better start following this page and fast :-P. I am taking all my followers with me. And yes, I did pay my taxes up til now, so don't start judging my bank account stats :-)

2. Spend some'more' of my money on clothes and shoes.


Which should ideally have been a part of my wardrobe years back :-| . But never mind. The new ones will effectively be displayed on my new fashion blog, which would obviously have some 1000 followers :-P

3. Visit spas everyday till the 'end'.


Preferred products: 'Body shop' only. I would soak myself in warm essential oils, get a deep tissue massage and be later wrapped in hot linens or mud wraps. Ahh Bliss! You can catch the glowing skin and hair on the same fashion blog, which I had claimed to start in the point number 2 :-P

4. Credit card abUSE


I would apply for 7 credit cards starting from April and would abuse them totally only in the month of November (There is no Dec to pay off the bills :-)) on exotic food only. Exotic food, includes any food, which is high in fat content and low in protein content. Crips, pastries, muffins, chicken, chocolates, All different cuisines. You get the point right?

5. Stay in the Taj Lake Palace at Udaipur.


The "Royal Butlers" working in the hotel, who are descendants of the original palace retainers would be at my constant beck and call. And do I need to add this? OK! How about My morning cuppa of tea at the Lily pond(in the picture above) for a week?? tch tch

6. Stop dieting and exercising.


No further explanation. Period.

7. Stop paying the emi on the house loan and car loan!! Stop paying TAXES!! Whoosh!


Take away the house, the car. Hell I don't care, I would go and live in the Taj :-)

8. Stop paying premium on the Life insurance!!!!


God, this should have been the first one isn't it?
Really, isn't this intriguing, every person in the software industry has a Life insurance. Not surprised. Considering the the life styles we have, not many of us have hopes to survive beyond the eternal 50. But imagine the amount of premium everyone is putting into it and now if the world ceases to exist beyond 2012, how much of it has gone into the dumps! Gosh!

9. Big Birthday Bash


I would celebrate my birthday with pomp and pride. Invite all my near and dear ones, and force them to gorge on the awesomely delicious chocolate cake till their stomachs ache. Tell how much I love them and how lucky I am to have them in my life!!

10. And in the end a silent Thank you.


Offer a silent prayer in gratitude to the almighty above, to have put me on this beautiful little green planet called Earth, and then remorse, to have been such an irresponsible living being who has bought the same planet to this pitiful condition.

There it is! So, while this post is coming to an end, I am sure similar thoughts have crept into your minds and you have started making your wish list too! So go on, tell me, what's on your list, IF the world comes to an end in Dec 2012? Till then, stay safe and be happy!

PS: If you ask me, what if the world doesn't end, and you end up with no money?

Who cares? All I care is I got to live my life like my dream. On a more sensible note, I would hit myself on the head, would quit dreaming and get back to work, before manager starts questioning 'my time' in the office!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Blogaa - Rantatatata


Readers alert: What follows is a rant about blogging in general; Proceed at your own risk.


Its a rare case that I am posting 2 posts in one week. Its not that I don't want to do it, its because I take some time to think about a topic, and good pointers, in short, to try and write responsibly. So why this post today? Well just like that. I just want to put some rants out there with no specific topic or purpose. I realised that the main intention of the blog was, not to write an essay on a topic given before hand (which I am not saying is bad at all), but to also just write into it, when you feel like it.

I accept I am addicted to blogging, and by that I mean not writing, but reading and more reading and more reading. I am following almost 50 bloggers(Started blogging seriously only from Oct 2011) which include all kinds of writers, like regular writers( personal experiences and political satires), sports buffs, film writers, fashion experts, cooking masters and travel timers. I eagerly await all their updates on the google reader and sometimes send them reminders on their emails, if they go 'gayab' :-) .Weekends are the best, when a lot of people post and since I don't normally check the blogs on the weekend, I have loads to read on a Monday. It is a dry spell in the middle of the week, assuming most of them are busy in the day to day things called 'life', which is when I 'write', so that the next couple of days, can be spent in eagerly waiting for comments and replying to them :-)

Ha, so now you all know, that I HARDly work in office :-P. In my defense, I am going venture out only one word 'Multitasking'. Yes, that's just 'one' word and not two :-P

I also have this weird habit, of going through some of my favorite posts like the 'Amsertdam RLD' and The 'Women Myths' one and read the comments on them. Please tell me, you all do that, and I am not weird! And by linking these posts, I have taken the opportunity to publicize these posts again! Tada :-P

The Aura 90's post, is really helping the stats count on my blog. My blog comes up, after search words like 'sexy body ladki ka', 'kajol legs', 'urmila legs', 'raveena legs', uhmm so basically legs of all heroines from that era. And then 'they' also want to see all these women wet, with search words like 'raveena wet', 'kajol wet', 'sonali bendre wet'. Poor women or should I say 'Cold' women, people want them wet always? Save them from pneumonia bhagwanji! But jokes apart, my blog gets hit EVERY Single day by these keywords. The intention of that post was to portray the items songs from that era and how different they were from today. It was NOT meant to provide some hot erotica stuff to some pathetic men(or women) out there. Nevertheless, the stats are increasing and I am not complaining. Looking at the comment count, I was rest assured that none of these perverts actually read the blog, once they realise their faux pas. The disappointment is clearly visible in that 'count' :-)

Alrite, so that's done. I really wanted to point out this stats part.

More about blogging is, it acts like a detone for me. When I am upset, I simply open a blog and read. It clears my mind a lot, and cheers me to no end. Something like swimming does(again to which I am addicted). Its give me a different perspective, and a lot of times, shows me a path. Its the content of the post; the time spent in reading, appreciating and then mulling over it, kind of disallocates and then occupies the space in your mind, which your problem had done first. So works that ways for me!

About what I write? I have written about the personal stuff in my life, a lot. But I should be honest, I have not been completely honest. This doesn't mean what I have written uptil now is a lie, no would never do that, but what I mean is, I am holding a LOT back. Too many things have happened since December 2011, and there a lot of times where I could have just crumbled into rubble. But a lot of things have helped me stay put, and my blog is one of them. Today morning, I was almost about to write about what happened in Dec last year, but I stopped. I guess, its not the time YET. But yes, this blog has a lot of facts about me, which a lot of people who claim to be my friends, don't know. And this is one of the reasons, I would never put my blog on facebook and I share it with only few select known friends. I want this part of mine, to be mine, to be anonymous and to be read only by my new blog friends and select known friends, who I have accumulated in time.

I utterly enjoy writing Humor and Travel. I may not be the best, oh wait, not even good enough, but I like that, and I hope to improve on it! Time and a lot of experience in months to come are going to help me, and I hope to be consistent in those areas :-)

Uff, what was meant to come off as a rant, has come out like an acceptance speech for just about nothing, tch tch. Never mind, I totally enjoyed writing this post. It is not a sad one or a happy one, Its just a one!

So, the dry period is still on, but still have quite a few posts to gorge on. I am jumping onto that, immediately after I publish this. Here's to all you writers who keep the reading bug in me alive. Kudos :-)

PS: On a different note all together, I have realised that, NO ONE carried off the versatile blogger award (not even the new ones) tradition ahead. So was it just me, who liked to rant 7 things about myself? Oh god, this makes me feel so self obsessed and smug! tch tch

PS2 (13 Apr 2012): Aura 90s blog has been reverted to the draft version. The post has kind of scared me off!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

How to make a Bollywood Block Buster





A newbie director (NWB) met up with a (HPD) high profile director (who was initially assisting one of the Chopras), to get invaluable guidance on how to churn out a block buster.

HPD, his preachy self, came back with these exclusive rare principles.

Week 1: Adoption

HPD: Disown your parents, and get adopted by the Chopras. You see, with Adi buzy with the (Old-hat) Queen Bee Mukerji and Uday buzy NOT doing movies (Silently offers a prayer to the Almighty for that), the Chopra clan is in dire need of a progeny.

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Week 2: Become Liberal

NWB:(smiling) Oh good, I am already that!

HPD: Err not in your thoughts and attitude champ, but with your purse strings. Liberally thrash the cash stashed in Papa Chopra's Account. Beware: Any budget which is less than 50 crores is a kalank on your newly acquired surname.
Next, announce you are making a new movie and you have a vision. Keep saying you are progressive and young. Emphasize on young.

NWB: Umm, I am actually almost 40.

HPD: Get your facts clear. This is India. 40 is young.

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Week 3: SRK and Dhoom

NWB: Dhoom again? But I was..uhhm progressive, and err my uhmm vision???

HPD: Shut up! Dhoom: yeah right, a third sequel is your vision. A third one, so progressive. Maths buddy! So you are good right. Get SRK on board ASAP. If I were you, I would plant kisses on him to capitalize (yes totally buziness minded moi) on the opportunity. (Blushes)

NWB: (Drags chair behind)

HPD: Ensure you have more media contacts than bollywood contacts.(laughs loudly)

NWB: ???????

HPD: Oh who am I kidding. Media IS bollywood. Get all newspapers to put this stuff onto the faces of the masses in the morning. Oops Sorry (smirks). EVERY MORNING!
Ensure, DHOOM and SRK are present in the headline. Wait a minute (thinks aloud) headlines are the things of the past. Chuck it, just Publish Dhoom and SRK. This is hardcore and reality journalism. Straight to the point with zero content. Gotcha?

NWB: (Just nods dejectedly)

HPD: Important. Special attention (and money) should be paid to the media persons.

NWB: Any advantages?

HPD: Crazy or what? Its a Long term investment. Awards hehaaaaaahaaaaaheehaaa.

NWB: ?????????

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Week 4: Location

HPD: Keep giving bytes on TV with location details. Any mention Indian locations, even if you plan to do 75 percent of the movie here itself, are strict NO-NO. Go for exotica and plain exotica.

NWB: (A Look of erotica plastered on the face)

HPD: It eXotica! (and then gently) You remind me of myself 5 years back.(lost in thoughts)

NWB: (Cough cough)

HPD: Oh umm OK. Shoot the action film in Rome and Greece and change the definition of these places. After all it is a matter of your vision. Papa would insist on Swiss, so put in a dream sequence in there. Don't argue.

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Week 5: Heroine

NWB: Oops, everything went to the papers, and we don't even have a leading lady!!??!

HPD: Tch Tch, not to worry darling. This is an apt time for a new controversy.
Stock news reads with Katrina and Deepika fights. Its fine, even if you have not discussed the movie with them. These fights are important to the movie, you and them as well in a way.

NWB: Uhmm, I like Kareena (blush blush)

HPD: Kareena?!!! Chuck her, she is too expensive. Daddy will not approve of the miscellaneous costs.
Put in words such as 'dates’, ‘rivalry' and yes of course 'bikini'(both lusting) and you are good.

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Week 6: The movie

HPD: Of course by now, you have to get Katrina signed on.
Start the movie.
Get Action directors from Hollywood for the action sequences.
Get Fitness experts for Kat's abs.
Get Fairness experts for SRK's glow.
Get Manish Malhotra to design Kat's gown, when she is atop a bike, or is jumping from the Chopper.
Get Farah Khan for the dream dance sequence and Shaimak for the item number.
Get AR Rehman for Music. Again, if costs are high, get Vishal Shekar. They do movies for every dick and harry in BOLLY. So what if the songs sound like previous dhoom movies.

NWB: How about Pritam?

HPD: Copy cat music director for a copy cat movie sequel Again? This is not 'your vision' is it?

NWB: (Nods obediently)

NWB: (Then thoughtfully) HPDji, What do I do then, since you see, I am the 'director'(proudly)?

HPD: (Aghast!) Who the hell do you think would give the media special tidbits and heat up the comfy chair in Papa's plush office in Andheri? 'Vision'!!! Bhulo mat! You aren’t paying attention man! (cross)

NWB: (Visibly ashamed) Sorry HPDji

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Week 35 : Publicity

HPD: Very important: Release SRK's movie promo on eid before Salman's movie get premiered. Create a controversy, and switch off your mobile.
Get SRK and Kat into every bloody TV serial, dance and singing shows. If Big boss is on, put them in that for a day. Gauri won't mind(smirks)
Get SRK to sell dolls, water bottles, tiffins boxes of dhoom. You see SRK's himself said: "Ra one ka sab kuch beeka, seeway tickets chod de".
So, get the money back ANYHOW. OK?

NWB (thinks): Why am I making this movie?

HPD: Release online games for dhoom, and force people to buy it. If required, sell it to your disowned parents too.
Feature SRK on Koffee with Karan with Kat once, then you once, and then him alone. Ensure, all episodes are released back to back. Don't talk about yourself at all.
Get SRK in a fight with Farah's hubby (whatever his name is)

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Week 38: Release the movie

HPD: Arrange a stylish premiere, with no common man invitees. After all you made the movie for Big B and family na. All pictures need to get into page 3. I mean common, do I still need to mention this now? (Thinks) kaha kaha se aa jate hain?

HPD: Release the movie in UK and US. Pounds ka rate acha chal raha hain ajj kal.

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Week 39: Movie review

HPD: Take Taran Adarsh and Rajeev Masand separately to an all day trip in Disney land. This is for unethical and top class rating for the sub standard Hollywood duplicate movie you just made.

NWB: (Has NOW forgotten all that he learnt at FTII)

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Week 58: Awards

HPD: Get SRK to pay 1/4 of the budget for his special Award shelf, especially for the chopra movies.

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Finally Week 60: A new Movie

HPD: Announce a new movie, this time with Aamir Khan!

NWB: That was great; really appreciate your time and inputs. But hey HPD, haven't we forgotten something important, something which is an integral part of a movie, and something which we should always be working on FIRST

HPD: What that's?

NWB: (Slowly) THE SCRIPT?

HPD: ?????!!!????? (Thinks: Kaha kaha se aa jate hain!!??)


Author of the post:  I still love SRK (blush blush)

Monday, April 2, 2012

Gyan by the awesome twosomething

Hello everybody. I am Ananya. I am Jenny's friend, Ashvini's cute little niece.

I have just turned two, and on the insistence of my pretty Jenny Aunt(ahem, I was forced to use this word),
I am sharing my various anecdotes which even grown ups can use to get things done their way!
So here we go, Lessons from the two year old :

1. How to ensure, everyone is up when you can't sleep anymore, after 6 AM.
- Start shouting 'nahi nahi' at the top of your voice. The half dead brain of those asleep, will immediately activate to figure out the mind numbing question, for which the answer is a NO at the highest decibel possible.

2. How to embarrass your aunt, when she doesn't let you stay outdoors for a long period of time.
- Eat the banana, and when the aunt suggests to offer the banana skin to the always chewing cow outside, offer it to the sage who is chewing tobacco downstairs. Added benefits, address him as 'Hamma(means cow)', especially when you are atop in your aunt's hands.

Hamma!
3. How to improve your Rashtra basha vocabulary, when everyone else is trying to teach you Marathi.
- Insist on putting the Hindi Music channels only to watch Katrina and Malaika 'mausi'. Pay special attention to the words like 'jawani', 'badan' ,'Saala' and 'badnaam' and only use it when all the other aunts and dadajis visit your house.

4. How to make people to agree to things they don't see.
- While playing, always go under cars and repeatedly call out for the 'mau'(cat), even if you know there isn't one. If people ask where it is? Always move your hand in random direction and say 'He bagh'(see there)
Call out, until people come there behind you and agree about the cat's existence and join you in the calling.
And when you are satisfied, come out from under the car and walk away smirking, while they are still there.

5. How to practice for item numbers.
- Cry at the top of your voice, after you have taken your bath, and mom is running to you, with hands loaded with clothes. Stay rigid, and keep the tears coming, until she just leaves you in the chaddi. You can then stop crying and practice the dance moves, learnt last night.

6. How to get the jelly chocolates, hidden in the fridge.
- Sulk and not open your mouth for any other kind of food content. When repeatedly asked the problem, blink your eyes, pout your lips and in a soft voice ask for 'chocki'. Ensure, you have your food asap once you have a chocki, so that the plan is successful the next day as well.


Wont you give me a chocki :-(

7. How to make sure you get people to take you out (Bhurr).
- From the time you are up, make the declaration that 'I am going Bhurr'. Once the declaration has been noted by everybody in the house, look out for probable candidates. Father and Granny are not on the highest priority. Father not, since he is always off to work and granny not, since she would not be able to lift you up as and when required. Pester aunt and mother with continuous 'Jayache na...jayache na?' (We are going na?) so finally they get frustrated and take you out.

If at all people turn back to go back into the house, restart the full proof Nahi Nahi (refer point 1) to get appropriate results. You will surely not be disappointed.

On rare occasions the below promises are helpful like , 'I will walk all the way'
But need not worry my friends, after sufficient distance where the adult finds returning back fruitless, immediately order the person to pick you up (ucchun ge)!



I aint naughty :-P
 8. How to be prepared always.
- If the aunt utters the beautiful words 'What do want sweet heart?', Make sure you have a list ready. The list should cover all areas such as Massa (fish),mau (cat), bakaewadi, aamba barfi,chocki and khau.

9. How to show people you are omnipresent.
- If someone is talking on phone, irritate them with continuous 'bolaychay, bolaychay (I want to speak mantra) and when they give you phone in your hand promptly press some random button to either cut it or put it on hold. If they put you on speaker, don't talk to show your anger, until the head set mode is switched on again.

So there, hope that helps. If not, please don't hesitate to call me guys. I, as you already know, always want to 'bolaychy, bolaychay'. Till then stay cute(like me ) :-P